memories

em and me on dad's bday 2005

forgive me. this crafty insomniac has been medicating so she can sleep. as i drifted off to la-la land last night, i was thinking about my dad. yesterday marked the tenth anniversary of his death. ten years. i remember it like it was yesterday:  where i was, what i was doing, crumbling to my knees and "no!"...just like it was yesterday. the next few hours were fuzzier. i vaguely remember the drive to walnut or the faces of family and friends come to lend their support. it was surreal. that night we all -- mom and us kids -- fell asleep on the floor in the house i grew up in as we reminisced and remembered dad.

yes. it still brings me to tears...lump in my throat and all. my dad was gone and i couldn't understand how people could laugh and go about life as usual. why weren't shows interrupted with special news reports? don't people realize my dad is gone?! i'll never hear his voice tease, scold or advise me again. or hear his laugh. ever. he won't see me in my wedding dress or walk me down the aisle to give me away. he will never meet or know my daughters. ten years he's gone and i still wonder, daddy, are you proud of me?

oh, the curse of being a daddy's girl. i am self-proclaimed. i don't know if it's true or if he felt the same way, but from all accounts from mom and older siblings i am making the assumption. and i wear it proudly. i regret not knowing him better, my dad. and i regret the years i took him for granted. he and i didn't have the typical daddy's girl relationship. it was more like we butt heads because we were so alike. oh, i was a hellion -- at least that's what he would tell you if you asked. the worst part of it: it took his death for me to realize even at 33, i still needed him. i would always need him.

i don't want to see another daddy's girl miss the opportunity of laughing with and hugging her daddy while she still can, so i hope to impart some wisdom from this experience. i know a girl who has disowned her father -- my husband. it's a painful thing to watch. i used to get in the middle of that, but God has cured me of it. now i pray. i pray that a daughter's eyes and heart would be opened to the gift she refuses. i pray for a father's broken heart at -- his perception -- failing his daughter. and i know that in God's time He will make the way.